On honesty

Over the course of my 26-odd years, I have come across honesty (and its polar opposite: dishonesty) in various guises. It's always a contentious issue, and I have yet to find two people who have exactly the same opinion on honesty and how best to employ it. Personally, I think this is because there is no simple, one-size-fits-all approach to honesty that can apply to any given situation. Most people I've met that do have a very strict policy on honesty do so because of a particular life experience or set of circumstances they've had to navigate around.

At one end of the spectrum, I spent a lot of my formative years with someone who preached the gospel of "brutal honesty". It served him well - I think it made him feel justified in speaking his mind, and not having to worry too much about the consequences because he claimed it was always better to be honest above all else. I'm sure many of us have had teachers or guardians who have espoused a little of this particular brand of honesty as well: the kind of honesty that is served up "for your own good", and which will probably make you cry or curl up into a ball of self-pity. It can be a pretty harsh philosophy to live your life by, but I do think it serves its purpose on occasion. Sometimes people need to be shaken out of a black hole or funk with a hard truth or two, and only then can you switch to more kindly helping them to move forwards. Everything in moderation though. If one clings to brutal honesty as a kind of code to live your life by, you'll probably find yourself losing friends left, right and centre.

Somewhere in the middle is the kind of honesty that most people are comfortable with. The gentle kind. Telling people the truth because it will benefit them to know it, but shielding them from any unpleasantness that they probably don't need to hear. This level of honesty generally comes hand in hand with "little white lies", which - though not entirely truthful - can help to avoid uncomfortable situations where people get hurt. Was a particular friend's drunken rendition of "Killing me softly" the best thing you've ever heard? Was it heck. But given that they're not pursuing a career as a singer-songwriter, there doesn't seem to be much harm in giving them a warm and fuzzy pat on the back.

Edging towards the spikier end of the scale, we move from honesty to dishonesty. I have experienced plenty of instances where lies being passed off as "sins of omission" have come into play. Generally speaking, people choose to omit sharing critical information with others because they believe they're protecting them. Or - as is more likely to be the case - protecting themselves. The arguments "I didn't want to hurt you" and trusty old "ignorance is bliss" are often dusted off at this point, but I take issue with that line of reasoning. I believe that a short burst of pain in the short term is a lot better than finding out way down the line that you've been deceived - even if it has been with the best of intentions. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’d always much rather know where I really stand with someone.

When sins of omission become larger and more insidious, the dishonesty becomes much less about protecting the recipient of the lie, and more about the liar getting away with questionable behaviour. There’s a big difference between, say, not telling someone about a rumour you’ve heard circulating about them, in an effort to protect their feelings…versus not telling them that you’ve betrayed their trust and done something hurtful behind their back. At that point, no matter what you tell yourself you’re doing, you are really only trying to save your own skin. And if you care about the person you’re lying to, you should fess up. They deserve to know the kind of person they’re dealing with, and if it’s something that won’t happen again – and the two of you have a strong enough bond to be worth saving – I would always argue that you come across better if you’re honest and admit the truth than if you leave it to fester.

We’ve all been on both sides of the honesty question. No-one can really claim to be 100% honest, and (hopefully) no-one is wholly dishonest or deceptive. Working out the right balance can be a complete nightmare, and – unfortunately – has to be reassessed for each different situation you find yourself in. But if we’re conscious of what we’re doing, I guess that’s a first step towards a more considerate and thoughtful attitude, at least.