On a new year

I know I should probably apologise for not writing in ages (to who? I don’t know. You probably don’t care all that much. Maybe myself? *shrugs*), but I can’t quite muster the words. I haven’t written because I haven’t had the time, or I haven’t needed to. I can’t resolve to write more in this new year either, as Lord knows whether I’ll stick to it. So let’s just see where the next few months take us and leave it at that.

As we dip our toes into a new year, however, it feels like a good time to dust off my quill (read: keyboard) and parchment (read: screen) and proffer a few musings on the year that must not be named. 2016 was a lot of things to a lot of people (mostly rubbish to all), but it would be a shame to tar my personal experience of it with the brush of collective experience. Yes, a lot of people died. Yes, the world appears to be going to hell in a hand basket. But it’s easy for the overall awfulness of 2016 to overwhelm any individual, personal memories. And, to be honest, on a personal level 2015 was far and away more rubbish for me than 2016. 2015 saw me get my heart broken (mostly through my own stubbornness), a lot of general uncertainty and unhappiness, and my Dad getting ill which (obviously) cast a dark shadow over the latter half of the year. By contrast, 2016 actually saw a reversal of fortune for me in a lot of ways.

At the start of the year, something kind of unexpected happened: I met a Nathan. (Having written that in such odd phrasing has made me stop and consider the fact that there have actually been very few Nathans in my life up until this point…maybe 3 in total? That doesn’t seem like many over the course of 29 years, does it?) I had resolved over Christmas 2015 to stop moping about my broken heart and put myself out there a bit more, and astonishingly – as I might argue on a day when I have somewhat less self-esteem – it worked out for the best. In less than a week, we will be celebrating our one-year anniversary, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Against all odds, I have found someone who compliments me perfectly, and brings me hulking great chunks of happiness whenever we’re together. I owe a lot of my happiness in 2016 to him, and though I think he knows that I certainly don’t think that means it’s not worth saying. (Sappy though that may well be). Oh, and he’s tall. So…you know…that helps.

Around the middle of the year, something else great started to happen: Dad’s health started to improve. Though we didn’t get there without a lot of pain and frustration (and more than one unexpected set-back), thanks to the wonders of modern medicine we did start to get there. Come the autumn of 2016, my Dad was looking like my Dad again. He was walking with less pain and less effort. He was smiling and laughing more. And – most importantly – he was spending a hell of a lot less time in and out of hospitals. Though the road we’re on is an ongoing one, we left 2016 feeling a lot lighter and brighter than we did leaving 2015. And God, isn’t that something?

A lot of other moments of greatness dotted through my 2016 to generally lift my spirits and distract from the global and local gloom. Though the prospect of searching for new housemates was a daunting one, in the middle of the year I managed to luck out and find two particularly excellent individuals to share my flat with me. Alice and Olivia have – counter to the horror stories you hear about finding flatmates online – turned out to be sociable, fun flatmates and generally excellent company. I also saw one of my oldest friends get happily married (and one not so old friend too), and embraced the certainty that I am now entering the “all weddings, all the time” phase of my life with a smile. Over the course of the year I made some new friends, reconnected with some old ones, and was reminded of just how many wonderful and interesting people I know.

I don’t exactly know what 2017 will hold. Putting to one side the inevitable passing of the 30 year milestone that will happen at the tail end of it, I’m mostly hoping it will hold change – but good change. I’m hoping the grey clouds that are gathering politically and internationally won’t turn into a storm of irreversible proportions. And I’m hoping there will be enough small bright lights in my personal life that – as with 2016 – even the darkest bits of the year won’t seem so bad.

So cross fingers and toes with me folks. We may be in for a bumpy ride, but even the most terrifying of rollercoasters have ups as well as downs, eh? Breathe in deeply as the ride begins…and try not to throw up when it gets rough, I suppose. 

On a few acknowledgements

I appreciate that I've been fairly quiet of late. Many of you will know why already, but for those who don't...my Dad has been ill - in and out of hospital for a few weeks now, ill - and it's made quite a few things take a back seat for a while. Before I get back into the routine of writing properly, I feel I need to share a few acknowledgements and words of gratitude to those who have been an unerring source of support over the past few weeks.

First and foremost, to my parents. It is not easy, having your life turned upside down. It is not easy to be upbeat, or to be strong, but that is just what my wonderful Mum and Dad have been. Dad - positive, optimistic tower of a man that he is - has gone about the past few weeks with dignity, strength and good spirit. His strength, and his determination to continue looking after those around him when many people would only be able to focus on themselves, has reminded me of just why I'm so proud to be his daughter. My mother, also, has proven to be the most immensely strong tiger of a woman (stolen my Dad's turn of phrase there). She has faced this unexpected and unfair twist of fate with a determination to see it through and be an unwavering pillar of support for both my Dad and for me, and I could never thank her enough for that.

To my friends, I also owe a debt of gratitude. I always suspected that I was particularly lucky in the friendship group I have built up around myself, but the past few weeks have proved it. I couldn't possibly name check all of the people who have been kind and how, as there have been so many and it would take pages and pages, but I hope they know that everything - from the smallest message to the biggest gesture - has been hugely appreciated, and made me feel very lucky to have them all. Whether quietly or loudly, they have all provided the support and the protective cocoon that I needed.

To my big little brother - words fail me. Though he's suddenly found himself further away, he made sure it didn't feel like that when I needed him. Distracting me when I needed it, listening to me when I needed it, and providing excellent big little brother hugs (which cannot be bottled or replicated)...I couldn't have asked for a better brother, and never has he felt more like family.

And finally, to my person. In spite of all of the mess of us - in spite of the complicated tangle we wove for ourselves, and the personal struggles and mountains he's having to scale on his own - as soon as I needed him, he was there. He dropped everything, without question or complaint. And even if he doesn't know what that means - I do. And for now, that's enough.

I hope this hasn't been too sentimental or too saccharine. I don't want to dwell too much on the past, or the unkindness of the hand my family has been dealt - I just want to acknowledge the wonderful people who have restored a little of my faith in the world, and helped me to keep going, keep positive, and find strength in myself that I didn't know I had.

So thank you. Really.