Generally speaking, I am quite adept at putting on a brave face: I find it very difficult to ask for help. This probably makes me seem like a walking contradiction at times, as I simultaneously wear my heart on my sleeve with the people I trust. When I open up about my feelings though, it tends to be more about a need to vocalise my thought process than it is about openly soliciting or inviting guidance. In fact, when words of wisdom and advice are offered to me, I can sometimes feel myself acting defensively and putting up walls - as though it would be a sign of weakness to admit that I was looking for support.
But support is everything, and I am trying to train myself to shy away from it less. I am extremely lucky in that I have a wonderful network of friends and family around me who try to pick me up when I am down, and accept me and my issues without judgement or comment. Over the last couple of months, when things have unravelled, they have been there to step in and stop me from getting too bleak in my outlook.
For example, my support network rallied around me when I had my heart broken. When I thought that I was building something with someone, and the rug was pulled out from under my feet when they let me down. I don't hold this against the person in question - they had issues of their own to cope with - but it did mean that the bridge I thought I had been building towards a better future for myself had crumbled away, leaving me stranded. This represented, in its own horrible way, the loss of an important source of support. They had been the one I turned to when I needed to talk, when I needed to feel better, or just when I wanted to be distracted from life's stressful minutiae. Losing them was like having a crutch ripped away.
Though I sorely felt the lack of that particular person, the kind words and reassurances I got from my friends made me feel incredibly grateful to have them around me. Just to give you an indication of how phenomenal the people in my life are, here are a few of the messages I got when they rallied around me:
"Just remember that you are Jess, and Jess means wonderful."
"Always respect the Jess. She deserves the respect. She's a wicked and wonderful lady worthy of all good things!"
"You, on the other hand, are fucking great. Remember this. It is supremely important."
That's just a small smattering of the generous and thoughtful missives I received, and doesn't even touch on the many other ways they - and my wonderful family - stepped in to pick me up.
And when, recently, things got on top of me in a different area of my life, and I felt like it was all becoming a bit too much to cope with, they came through again. They listened to me, they reassured me, and they provided sensible and practical words of wisdom on how to fight my way forwards, towards something better.
Even though I still find it hard to reach out and ask for help (often until things have gone too far and I'm already a bit of a mess), I know that I have people around me to give me strength. When I was told to be strong "like I know you are", I recognised that I can be strong in the face of adversity - but only because I am not going through it alone. I will learn to be better at reaching out for help when I'm struggling, because trying to fix everything by myself - to fix me by myself - is not the answer. It's only through the support of others that I can and will move forwards.
