On reminders

“Everything reminds me of you.”

When a big part of your life has revolved around the same person for – well, for what feels like as long as you can remember, really – being without them isn’t just hard for all the obvious reasons. It’s also bafflingly difficult because you have to re-educate yourself on how to get through everything in your life without constantly associating it with that person.

Everything reminds you of me, hmm? Well snap, buddy.

Even the most innocuous of things can transport you to a familiar and painful place. Innocently uttered phrases…particular film references…smells…songs…of course you'll associate everything with them when they were that important to you. And every time something twigs a memory, it becomes a conscious effort to turn your brain away from the first association – the unhelpful association. Because every time that happens, it’s like a little gremlin prodding at the ache in your chest. “Haha, thought you were OK, did you? Well let’s see how you feel about THIS then!”

…fucking gremlins.

Your brain and your memory become your worst enemies, constantly veering their ugly heads to remind you that you should be feeling terrible. Which I suppose is ironic, as they’ll end up being your friends in the long run – when you can remember things fondly, and sensibly reflect on the past without it being like a kick in the proverbial balls.

The process of getting through this seems to be a two-parter: first, learning to replace the gut reaction, the immediate association, with something else. With someone else. Or nothing at all, I suppose – but essentially anything but that person and that connection that you once had. Second, for the things that you just can’t avoid associating with that person (for instance, there’s still a particular aftershave that instantly transports me back to my first serious relationship – Proust would be proud), you have to learn to entertain that association in a way that doesn’t hurt. Notice it (because you can’t not), and then move on.

I am reassured by the certainty that this process will become easier, and in the future I will be able to go about life unhindered by reminders – or let them come, and smile fondly before getting on with my day. It may suck at the moment (believe me: it truly, truly does), but logic and reason tell me that it won’t be that way forever. Soon enough, I will be a functioning person again. I will not feel sad when someone mentions things that we spoke about, or places that we went to, or jokes that we shared.

For now though, I can but replay the words that were sent my way: everything reminds me of you, too.